Trying to talk to neurotypicals can be a real pain. We all know what often happens, right? Confusion and misunderstandings. Sometimes even hurt feelings. Let’s be candid: it’s virtually impossible to talk to neurotypicals, even about the simplest things, without offending them in some way.
We autistics tend to be extremely and precisely logical. Neurotypicals? Not necessarily. They claim to like logic, but their version of logic is usually so twisted, convoluted, and mixed with emotion that it can’t be called logic at all. The bottom line is this: they simply don’t think like us, and we don’t think like them. Almost all of the difficulties we have in trying to communicate with them stem from this one elementary fact.
But we want to communicate with them, right? It would be nice if we could at least do it better than usual. Perhaps the biggest problem is honesty (or lack thereof). We like to be direct, to tell the whole truth we know, to say exactly what we mean, as clearly as possible.
Neurotypicals, to put it mildly, have a much more nuanced understanding of honesty. For example, they almost never say exactly what they mean; they like to suggest, to imply; they often leave out the most crucial part of the message and say the part that matters the least. Sometimes they even say the opposite of what they mean. In other words, they like to speak in a kind of code, a code that we are supposed to figure out somehow. It’s as if they want communication to be as sophisticated and challenging as possible.
We tend to interpret statements as true or untrue; neurotypicals seem to believe that statements can be true and untrue at the same time! For example, if we ask them about the accuracy of a statement, neurotypicals may reply (annoyingly) that it is “kind of true.” They are particularly fond of using subtext, a level of meaning that goes beyond the literal. To decipher subtext, to have any hope of understanding what neurotypicals are really trying to tell us (or hide from us), to discover what they might really be thinking and feeling, we need to pay attention not only to what they are saying (the text) but also to everything else (the context): why they are saying it, how they are saying it (and what they are not saying). Pay close attention to their faces, especially their eyes: where they are looking and the “look” in their eyes.
Reading a neurotypical’s eyes is often the key to uncovering subtext. And when we’re talking, we should be careful not to focus too much on the explicit meaning of what we’re saying, because in doing so we can unwittingly imply something that will offend them. Saying the right thing is always the right thing to do, of course, but sometimes saying the right thing requires a bit of dishonesty. Telling the exact truth can actually be the worst thing we can do, such as when it hurts a neurotypical’s feelings. Not only is it simply the wrong thing to do in general, but it also gives them a perfect opportunity to turn around and apply the same strict standard of honesty to us. And sometimes, well, it’s better to just keep our gigantic mouths shut.
Suppose we go to a garage sale run by a mean, greedy senior man whom no one likes (not even buying Girl Scout cookies!). He is having the garage sale because he is selling the gigantic house he inherited from an uncle who was also mean and greedy. We see a ceramic figurine that we know is worth a hundred dollars or more, but the mean, greedy senior man has valued it at fifty cents. Should we be candid and tell him what a mistake he is making?
Hell no. Take advantage of this opportunity. Because while being candid is okay, being too candid is a mistake.
When Neurotypicals Attack Part I
Up until now we’ve been talking about the typical neurotypicals, perhaps enigmatic and annoying, but usually relatively harmless. Unfortunately, sometimes we come across a completely different kind. The only thing we can say for sure about this other type of neurotypical is that something very grave seems to be troubling them. The best guess? They have doubts about whether deep down they’re okay.
Neurotypicals of this type are often obsessed with status, with winning. For example, they often perceive even the most innocuous social interaction as a competition. Such individuals may try to exploit our tendency to accept everything people tell us as truth pretending to be our friends when in reality they are just trying to trick us. Be vigilant and pay attention to what neurotypicals do, not just what they say. When we see people who pretend to be our friends behaving in an unfriendly way, we will know that they are not really our friends at all. They are sullied, rotten liars.
When Neurotypicals Attack Part II
What should we do when neurotypicals insult us? Retaliate in kind, right? But wait, what if the real purpose of their insults was to make us miserable? You know, incensed, confused, embarrassed, melancholy, etc. In that case, the only thing you can achieve by retaliating is to let them know that they succeeded. No, the best way to respond to an insult like that is to simply show them that they failed to hurt us. Sometimes even a smile will do.
To sum up
Talking to neurotypicals basically requires us to simply accept and acknowledge that they are (often) much more adept at communicating than we are. If we want to communicate with them, perhaps the best thing we can do is try to adapt to them.
Learn the art of telling the truth, but not completely; be trusting, but not too much; be precise, but not too much; be logical, but remember that it takes more than logic to live fully in the world. Pay attention to entertaining feelings, for example, because they are often much more crucial than grave ones. Humorous feelings allow us to glimpse (us) an almost magical realm where logic and emotion cease to be two separate things and become two parts of one thing; where communication can take place without words, and understanding can be achieved in some other way than through direct conscious thought.
Of course we will never be as emotional as neurotypicals, but it is not a bad idea to remember how crucial emotions are to them. And when, because they are not perfect, they do something we do not like, let us ignore it if possible. Because maybe when we do something they do not like…