Traci Neal is a Black, neuroatypical poet living in Columbia, South Carolina. She was diagnosed with autism as an adult after a lifetime of being bullied in school and feeling like she didn’t fit in. She now lives a gleeful life of self-acceptance. We spoke with Traci about her life and journey, and the advice she wishes she had given her childhood self.
Thinking Autism Guide (TPGA): What would you like to tell us about yourself?
Traci Neal: I love helping others and using poetry to give people hope. I believe that when someone lives a life of service, it is a more meaningful life. Poetry is what I do for work. I get paid to write and perform poetry, and I also provide free services to those in need, such as the homeless, ailing/illness, natural disasters, and tiny nonprofits that make a positive impact.
My texts are presented in NewsweekThe Recent York Times, Mahogany Writers Community (Hallmark), Black Art Magazine (BAM), The Art of Autism, and many other publications. I operate my poetry to raise awareness for nonprofits in need around the world
TPGA: How senior were you when you were diagnosed with autism? What prompted you to seek an autism diagnosis?
Neal:I was 34 when I was diagnosed with autism. I asked for the diagnosis after talking to my mother in August 2023 and she mentioned that I might be autistic. I had heard her say this before, but for some reason this time I felt more compelled to find out if I was. I started doing more research to see if I had any autistic traits and saw that I did. I took it a step further though by making an appointment with a psychologist to get screened for autism.
TPGA: Did you find that your autism diagnosis clarified many of the challenges you faced in your life (this happens to many people), or did you find that your response was more varied (this also happens to many people)?
Neal: My autism diagnosis was such a relief. It allowed me to reflect on why I thought the way I did all those years ago, and even now. It confirmed to me why I get along so much better with kids than adults, because I have a mindset that is, in some ways, more childlike. My diagnosis made sense in terms of why school was challenging for me, because I had to try to be this super shrewd black girl because of the expectations of black culture — but I knew I was the complete opposite. I still prefer to have fun and be silly and do whatever is fun. I also know now that it’s okay to ask a lot of questions to figure things out.
TPGA: Do you feel like the people in your life both before and after your diagnosis better understand where you’re coming from now that you have an autism diagnosis? Are you willing to share examples?
Neal:I feel like it’s still a huge adjustment for the people in my life after my diagnosis because I’m now my “true” self, not the person they thought I was.
Example 1: My husband and I have been in hiding for most of our marriage. I have needed facilitate in the past, but I felt like I had to do it on my own. I was raised to be independent and mighty, but I am actually very emotional. I have also been diagnosed with ADHD and I can be a real “adult child” in the way I think and act. Since my diagnosis, I have not hesitated to ask for facilitate. My husband supports me in who I am now, whereas initially he was struggling to understand who this novel person he married was.
Example 2: My mom is a mother. She expects me to behave well and act in an systematic manner as an adult. That’s how she raised me. I held myself to that standard for many years. After my autism diagnosis, I show a lighter and more accepting side of myself much more than before. One Sunday, my husband and I went to church with my mom and dad. The music was really raucous, so I put on my huge “Serene Ears” headphones to block out the noise.
I never did that in the past. I suffered from what I really felt, especially inside. I let other people make decisions for me. My mom told me she wouldn’t want me to back down. I’m really “exposing myself”. But my mom is working every day to understand me better. I have to be patient with her. She grew up in a generation (1950s) where autism existed but wasn’t talked about. I want to be an example to my mom. I want to show her that autistic people can have discipline and not deny who they are. I believe that autism is not something to be ashamed of.
TPGA: When you encounter people who continue to treat you unfairly, instead of showing respect and consideration for your neuroatypicality (since you also have ADHD), do you have any self-affirmations that you operate to remind yourself that they are behaving badly and you are not doing anything wrong?
Neal:My biggest self-affirmation is the animated movie Arctic Dogs. In the movie, a fictional character named Swifty, who is an Arctic fox, says something to a moose in the movie. It changed my life in the most amazing way. Swifty said, “You can’t blame yourself for the madness*.” That statement was such an eye-opener for me. I realized that it’s not my fault how people treat me, as long as I’m respectful towards them. It’s their problem, not mine.
I experience unfair treatment, through no fault of my own, but I simply say the words and I feel so much better. These words take the pressure off me. I remember that those who are behind me will be behind me, even when adjustments need to be made.
TPGA: Have you found autistic connections or autistic role models online that you value in helping you navigate the world as an autistic adult? If so, what are some of them and who are they?
Neal:I have two black autistic female role models that I admire. They are Morgan Harper Nichols AND Phenomenal Autism: Ayanna Sanaa Davis. I like Morgan because she draws stunning pictures and is good at poetry. She also wears her natural hair down. It’s bulky like mine, but I wear my bulky hair in protective hairstyles most of the time.
Ayanna is amazing! She makes no apologies for being autistic. She shares vulnerable things about herself on social media and is down to earth. Ayanna is down to earth to me because I sent her an email telling her how much she inspires me. (I don’t have social media because I get harassed a lot for money and promoting my business.) I didn’t expect her to respond to my email. Well, she did. It was encouraging and meant a lot to me. I’ve sent emails like this before to people I’ve never met, but she responded. I have a deeper respect for her.
TPGA: In addition to being autistic, you are also black. Are there any additional joys or boundaries of your experience that are underrepresented in the mainstream narrative about autism?
Neal:There are limitations to the mainstream autism narrative for my type of autism. I have a unique ability that has given Black women like me a chance to have their voices heard when in the past they have been silenced (this was mentioned briefly in Newsweek). While I am not “gifted” like some autistic people, I can write poetry divinely given to me by God.
The analogy is a child who believes in Santa Claus. A child thinks Santa can do anything and has unlimited power. That is my relationship with God. I believe he is my heavenly father and has unlimited possibilities. I listen to everything he tells me to do, but I do not stay on his “nice” list. I do it because I love him with all my heart, just like the pure love a child has for Santa.
In return, God gives me poetry that I could never write naturally on my own. I often have to Google the words He gives me to see how to spell them and what they mean. I will forget the meaning and spelling in a matter of seconds if it is a word I do not operate often. (Repetition is the only way something will stick in my brain.)
I am so grateful to be able to shine a delicate on autistic black women who don’t fall into the “gifted” category. Not all black women are above average intelligence. It’s a ridiculous standard that black culture holds us to and honestly, I’m ailing of it. I have more heart than brain and I’ve been able to operate that to make a positive impact. The voices of people like me need to be heard too. I’m slowly starting to see more of our stories being put out there, which gives me some encouragement for the future.
TPGA: If you could go back in time and talk to yourself as an undiagnosed autistic child, knowing what you know now about being autistic, what would be the most helpful thing you would say or do to that child?
Neal: I would say, “Don’t try to be anyone else. It’s too much work. The way you think and process things is fine. Find out what works best for you and give it your all. You are enough.”
TPGA: Is there anything else you would like to share with the TPGA community about yourself?
Neal: I want the TPGA community to know that I am doing everything I can to raise awareness of autism and share my story. Autism doesn’t look exactly the same for every person. I wish fewer people of color had to go through what I went through. I am so grateful for the opportunity to talk about my autism.
*The author is aware that the operate of the word “crazy” is now discouraged by mental health advocates and allies.