I recently had to dismantle a metal bunk bed that my husband and I were selling to a consignment store. The frame was held together by dozens of hefty screws that had to be unscrewed with an Allen key. The screws in the rails slipped out after a few turns with minimal effort, but the screw in the foot of the bed proved much more hard.
The base was only an inch above the floor, so every quarter turn I had to repeatedly remove the key and reposition it before the next turn. I worked and worked, but the screw wouldn’t come out. I felt the tool giving out, so I assumed I was making progress and continued, applying more and more force each time. After about ten minutes, I sat back down, annoyed. Why didn’t it work? My husband looked over my shoulder and said, “You’re taking it the wrong way. You tighten it up.”
I was outraged. I knew the rule: right-tight, left-loose and I was sure that I was turning left. However, what I didn’t take into account was my screw orientation. With each turn I drove the screw deeper and deeper into the hole, damaging the grooves with each turn. By the time I corrected my mistake, the Allen key had become useless. I had to apply pliers to force the misshapen screw out of the hole. The damage has been done.
Before my son Brady was diagnosed with autism at the age of three, my parenting methods resembled my unsuccessful battle with bed. Many times I tried to apply the same parenting techniques as my friends or imitate the parenting and discipline I experienced as a child, but instead of complying, I was met with resistance.
Even so-called expert advice has failed. Parenting gurus regularly promoted straightforward “three-step plans” for raising a polite, well-mannered, and socially acceptable child. If I followed their programs, I should be able to “abc” or “1-2-3” my way out of any behavioral challenge with my son. Instead, I reached for “xy-z” and wondered what I had done wrong. Brady did not respond, and in some cases the conflict escalated.
Interestingly enough, the problem with my parenting was the same as my wrench skills – I wasn’t properly versed. I cared for Brady as if his brain was connected to the brains of other normally developing children. I had to change my perspective. I had to learn modern strategies for raising a child who is neurodivergent, otherwise I would have risked irreversible damage to my son and our relationship, as well as my fruitless efforts to loosen the screw.
Thanks to books, videos, and personal parenting classes, I finally started working with my son instead of fighting him. Here are some highlights from what I learned:
Don’t compare your child’s developmental milestones to other children’s achievements. Parent your baby based on his stage, not his age.
- Emphasize positive reinforcement for appropriate behaviors. Being truly excited about his smallest victories will make him want to repeat them.
- Stay composed when adjustments are necessary. Losing your temper only fuels your child’s intense emotions.
- Identify something (a snack, money, a toy, etc.) that motivates your child and provide regular, recurrent opportunities for him to earn it.
- Therapies are crucial, but don’t forget to celebrate and nurture your child’s gifts, talents and passions.
These skills won’t give you a completely sleek parenting experience. There may be times when you need to put some force into this key, but if you approach your baby from the right perspective, you should be able to stay in rhythm.
Kari Baker has always loved a good plan. But when her only son, Brady, was diagnosed with autism (at age 3) and ADHD, her plans for a typical parenting experience were shaken to the core.
Finding the TYPE is an account of Kari’s initial awakening to Brady’s neurological differences, her early years of adapting to life as an autistic mom, and her later acceptance and appreciation of Brady as God made him.
Ultimately, Kari’s experiences as a GOOD mom provide practical tips on how to survive when the best-laid plans go awry. Anyone who knows and loves a child with concealed neurological differences, or who discovers faith amidst life’s challenges, will find hope and encouragement in Kari’s story.
“As a developmental pediatrician, I often wonder how parents of children with autism and other disabilities cope. And could I ever meet this challenge? In this gem of a book, Kari Baker shares some of the secrets of her life. It is an ode to the impact of positive, mindful and persistent parenting of exceptional individuals. This certainly applies to parents of autistic children, but in reality it is a lesson for all of us.”
– Raun Melmed, M.D., co-founder and medical director of the Southwest Autism Research and Resource Center and director of Cortica Scottsdale, and author of “Autism and the Extended Family: A Guide for Those Who Know and Love Someone with Autism” and “The Autism Guide for parents: starting with the end goal in mind”
To learn more, visit https://www.bookpublicityservices.com/blog/finding-kind-kari-baker